Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2018 18:13:17 GMT -5
Seven Pillars of Willie Pete by Willie P. Tango One - I’m a great leader In my formative years, I was a member of the boyscouts. This was back when they were anti-gay and didn’t let women join. Those were the days. My troop leader was a good christian, but he got a bit handsy. He always wanted hugs, regardless of whether or not we were in the shower at the time. Years later, funny story, I had my status of Eagle Scout removed because the ‘Group showering’ merit badge didn’t actually count towards the achievement. To the leader part - as patrol leader, I lead my group. Our patrol’s Court of Honor ultimately moved to reveal my Troop Leader’s evils to the world. We told on that mother fucker and got him into a ton of trouble. I mean a ton, like two thousand pounds. In 2018, he would have been the biggest villain since Louis CK. (Mostly because he masturbated on the phone constantly). But it was the 80’s man, so he just got a slap on the wrist and ultimately a commendation from Ronald Reagan. Still, for a couple days, he thought he was in some deep doo doo-it was an exciting 72 hours. In High School, after years of therapy to get over being stripped of my Eagle Scout privileges, I joined the model UN. I was Iran and let me tell you - I united the Middle East and a lot of Asia and we ended up going to war with the rest of the world. We lost, sure, but we managed to do a lot of damage before we waved the white flag (kicked out of school). This included egging almost all of Europe, giving wedgies to Australia, New Zealand, and most of Africa, and seriously pissing off the United States when we revealed that he was secretly into dudes. After high school (I was kicked out, remember?) I decided to embark on a new experience. I was really inspired by this guy called Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, which lead to a vital decision to grow a beard. Soon after growing the beard, I noticed that I was gaining followers. Mostly chicks, because it was the 90’s and I was drawing in pussy like I was coated with catnip, but some dudes too. Not that I was into them, that much, but that’s another story. (Reference: ‘The Gay experiment and subsequent self loathing days’). Anyway, I decided to start a cult. It wasn’t a violent cult per se, more of a mildly violent cult. We didn’t kill anybody on purpose and we didn’t intend on running over an old ladies. All violence towards old ladies using walkers was purely coincidental. And yes, we were pretty high most, if not all, of the time. If memory serves, I had six illigitimate children during that period of my life. Beards, right? Ultimately we were all rounded up for ‘crimes against humanity’ and I was allowed to walk away since I was the first one to throw everyone else to the wolves. They were all high though, so they didn’t really care. Too busy tasting colors. I got a new name out of the deal. Pretty cool. One of the perks of WITSEC. What I’m saying, is if you give me this job, I will prove to be one of the greatest leaders this sport has ever seen. I’m talking the kind of leadership where I will eventually wear a suit and run the place. I can’t wait for that part, because let’s be serious, most wrestling fans are bigger cultists than the cultists I had before. Two - I never give up Ok so I’ve given up on small things here and there - video games, sports, marriages, parenting, but when it comes to the really important things, I never give up. I return every week to re-up my lottery tickets no matter how many times I lose. Everyone tells me to quit smoking, but I never do. My doctor instructed me to stop eating red meat due to something he calls ‘high blood pressure’ but that guy can fuck off - I never give up. My sex therapist advised me to quit my frequent and vigorous masturbation, did I listen? No! I never give up! Tenacity is the word for me and my life. Tenacity and persistence, determination, perseverance, doggedness, strength of purpose, tirelessness, indefatigability, resolution, resoluteness, resolve, firmness, patience, purposefulness, staunchness, steadfastness, staying power, endurance, stamina, stubbornness, intransigence, obstinacy, obduracy, pertinacity. All of these words describe me! Thank you thesaurus! If you see fit to give me this job, I will prove to you that I never give up. I will show you that if you look up any of the above words in the dictionary, you will see a picture of my smiling face right beside the fucking definition! Three - I’m kind to those around me I like to think I’m fair and kind to those around me. Example: Once I was mugged by a man who completely ignored the girl I was with at the time. So before he ran away, I reefed her purse from her grasp and called the guy back and gave him her purse. I wasn’t sure if she was holding back, so I had her strip down to make sure he wasn’t missing out on anything. I know it’s really easy to judge the mugger as some creep, but remember, he or she has been through some severe trauma to go to the lengths of holding people up for money. That’s rough. Plus, by ensuring the woman was also mugged is like feminism or something, right? Coincidentally, the girl I was with now mugs people due to the trauma she went through when I made her strip down naked in front of a mugger who turned out to be the same P.E. teacher who molested her in middle school. Small world, right?! Anyway, I help people across the street. Sometimes they don’t want to cross the street, but that doesn’t matter. I’ll help them, just in case. I donate to charities - it’s easy because I’m donating taxpayer dollars! Free money - another perk of WITSEC. If you give me a shot here, you’ll see how good of a role model I can be when it comes to kindness. I will show you and your fans what true kindness looks like. They’ll go bonkers I’m so fucking kind. Four - I’m a curious kind of guy I have so many questions about this world. So many. Some examples are: why is water wet, why is the sky blue, and do black guys know I sometimes think racist thoughts when they’re in my general vicinity? I’m always wondering about the world too. Big example: Until last week, I never watched Al Jazeera. Mostly because I thought Al Jazeera was either an Indian lemonade that tastes like piss mixed with poop or a radio station that terrorists tune into before they go Ali Kabob and blow themselves up. It’s not! It’s basically a news station, like Fox News, only with less Klan members! It’s outstanding! There’s this guy called Mehdi Hasan who is very mean and very loud to people on his shows and it gets my nipples very hard. That’s another way I’m curious. Guys sometimes excite me. If you give me a crack at this job, I will show you just how curious I am! (This does not relate to sexual favors, unless that would get me over, then let me know and I’ll strongly consider it.) Five - I’m great at fighting Did I mention I’m great at fighting? I should have probably lead with this one. I learned to fight thanks to my grandpa. Not really because he was a fighter, boxer, mma guy, or first generation wrestler, but because he was an abusive mean old Albanian fuck. If the Albanian football club ever lost? Watch out, he would punch anyone within punching distance. Mostly my grandma, but eventually she started fighting back and she was a dirty fighter. She’d go for the balls and the eyes. Maybe I picked up some of my fighting skills from her, come to think about it, because I also go for the balls and the eyes. I find that a blind person clutching their balls is not an effective fighter. Try it! It works! So yeah, great fighter. I beat up my grandpa for the first time at fourteen and that old fucker never messed with me again. Mostly because he was blind and had swollen balls. Six - People like me As you can probably already tell from what I’ve told you is that people like me. Men, women, children, puppies, homeless, midgets, and many more think I’m a swell guy. I like them too, mostly the women, homeless, and midgets (because they’ll do weird stuff) but I return that same ‘like’ I get to the rest of the world. It’s like that twit thing, people like everything I say, so I like their stupid shit back just so show them that I’m paying attention. That’s the Willie Pete promise - I will pay attention to you, no matter how stupid your shit is. People want to hang out with me and if you put me to work, they will come to the shows just to get to see/hang out with me. Put my face on a t-shirt/panties and they will wear it. Men too. Doesn’t matter. They want my face on their crotch. Seven - ? ? ? ? In summation, I didn’t come up with anything for part seven. That’s a lot of points to cover and I can’t tell you too much, WITSEC, remember? But if you decide to hire me, you’re going to find out that I’ll be the best wrestler you ever spent money on and that I will totally be worth the time, sweat, blood, vomit, lust, cheetos, and whatever else you want to drown me in. HIRE ME RIGHT FUCKING NOW! |