Post by fallon on Apr 5, 2019 10:05:24 GMT -5
Off Camera
Fallon Lockhart sat on the edge of the bed in their California home; her feet didn’t quite reach the floor as her toes danced across the carpet. Their dogs, Lola and Nala, were curled up asleep at the far end of the bed and Fallon reached over to give them both a scratch behind their ears.
Her mind was racing, the announcement of a clearly NOT, fair and random draw; resulting in her facing Josh and Aries in the Cult Classic had cut through her like a knife. She had felt her entire body go cold. There were a million possible reasons for why this bothered her so much, but it would be almost impossible for anyone to guess the true reason behind it. As her fingers stroked through the soft hair of the dogs, she closed her eyes, drawing in a deep breath.
“Josh?” She called out, rather than go looking for him, she felt physically drained from the emotional weight that was lying down upon her, chest heavy and breaths shallow. Part of her knew that there was no good way to have this conversation, but she knew that they needed to have it all the same.
Josh Kennedy entered the bedroom softly, the stale smell of a recent cigarette lightly clinging to his clothing. He, too, was torn by the situation he’d found himself in, the last time he’d been forced into fighting a significant other in a match hadn’t ended well, and he still believed the ripples from that event had gone on to impact what had happened after. He’d very nearly lost the control he’d exerted on himself, the look of fear in Cass Baumer’s eyes after he’d cracked her with a kendo stick still haunted him. She’d seen what he usually reserved for the enemy, a violent hostility he didn’t want to let loose again. Not like that.
“Yeah, Titch?” He responded, warmly. He could practically feel the tension in the air surrounding Fallon from the very moment he’d stepped into the room. He knew in his gut what this was about, and they’d both avoided it for long enough.
“I can’t do it.” She lifted her head just enough to look into his eyes, the words seemed to take a physical weight with them, sagging back against the bed she almost fell into a lying down position on her back; her eyes still fixated up at him. She opened her mouth to add something else but couldn’t quite find the words.
They never spoke much about her past, but she knew today that was going to have to change. In order to explain why her whole body seized at the mere thought of being in the ring against him… she would have to reveal secrets and thoughts she buried down so deep, it’d take a shovel to dig them back up. “I’m sorry.”
Josh gave a slow, solemn nod.
“I get it, believe me, but I don’t think we got much of a choice.” He placed a hand on hers and squeezed gently, reassuringly.
“We gotta figure this out, I don’t think we can run from this no more.” His typical crooked smile was strained and artificial. Them being matched up had been an inevitability ever since they’d both qualified from the group stages of the Cult Classic, a clash he was powerless to prevent.
“I could drop out.” Even as she spoke the words she knew he would argue against it, her hand flipping over to grip his, an anchor to the present keeping her from being pulled too deep into the recesses of her mind. She wasn’t even sure where to start, all of the words were jumbled up in her head;
“Ur the only…” that wasn’t the right start and she fumbled over her words, drawing her eyes to the ceiling, almost not wanting to note the small changes in his facial expressions. “I mean. u know, when I was little… like real little, I was in that big group home but then as I got older, I got put out in foster care n all that stuff right? I mean, I ain’t rly told u much but I told u that much n how… it was always kinda hard to connect cause, like, u dun rly know when ur just gonna get shifted bout again…” she drew in another deep breath, her chest feeling tighter as the moment ticked by. She could feel tears stinging at the edge of her eyes but she wouldn’t let them be a deterrent.
“But u, well, I guess u still gotta trust the people who take u in… u know? Like these people are openin up their homes n then u can’t rly go in there with no trust or… I dunno they just, they tell u a lot to be receptive n agreeable n…” her thoughts began to scramble again, in her mind’s eyes the pictures she wanted to verbalise were vivid and clear, but the words themselves stuck to the roof of her mouth.
No sooner than Fallon’s suggestion to drop out had left her lips, Josh immediately responded with a vehement shake of his head.
“That ain’t happening. You’ve earned this, I ain’t about to let you throw that away.”
He listened intently as she recounted her story. He knew the broad strokes, but little more. Every small hitch of her breath felt like an illustration of the gap between them he’d never fully be able to bridge. Josh waited patiently for Fallon to continue once she trailed off, squeezing her hand softly again to try and nudge her forwards as gently as he could.
His presence and the squeeze of his hands brought that rush of comfort back to her, it was hard really, to describe the memories. It felt like she was walking through a dark tunnel buried under her very being and her hands were outstretched fingers barely grazing the things she hadn’t had the bravery to speak on before now.
“I was.. I guess eight or something the first time I got took out of the group home n into foster care. Like, u dun rly know anythin when ur eight do u? So when he would…” she screwed her eyes tightly shut, not the gentle flutter of eyes closing when you’re relaxed but more so immersing herself in the picture, trying to describe the feeling without touching too much on the action. “When I was bad or didn’t do what they said I was sposed to, I didn’t rly know that it weren’t okay for him to hurt me like that n then, I..” she paused again, turning her head to Josh’s direction but not opening her eyes, not quite feeling brave enough yet.
“I went back to the group home after that, I dipped in n out for a while n the more things happened, the more I… got hurt, the more I thought it was normal, ya know? Like; good parents punish bad kids n I just figured I was a real bad kid…” a heavy exhale left her body, instead of feeling lighter, her limbs felt like lead, sinking into the mattress as she slowly opened her eyes. “When I was like, idk, fourteen? That was when they decided I couldn’t settle at foster homes, I didn’t fit, I didn’t listen… I was too quiet n meek for anyone to wanna take me… so I went to this home for girls n it was kinda nice for a lil while. Nobody hurt me, i thought maybe I wasn’t so bad after all… I settled again n I started to be able to forget bout how bad a kid I was…”
Josh tried to keep his trembling under control as Fallon retold her story. He’d assumed that there’d been darkness in her past, he’d known pain like that having been inflicted upon her was a possibility. Yet hearing that vague suspicion confirmed by her made his stomach turn, his heart sink, and his blood boil in equal measure. Still, he sat there speechless, her hand clutched in his, loosening his grip slightly when he realised just how tightly he was clasping onto it. Thoughts rushed through his head so quickly they were practically ephemeral, there was no combination of words he could think of that could appropriately summarise his response.
The feel of his hand tightening around hers, followed by the relax of his grip brought her back into the present for a moment. Her eyes rested on his face, reading his expression as she took time to think over her next words. Once she had started, it felt almost too easy to let it keep spilling out; for as long as she could remember she had kept all of these secrets and now, the secrets wouldn’t stop spilling.
“That was when I went to my last home… I’d spent so long outta foster that I kinda forgot bout all the bad stuff. They were super nice, I was like, almost sixteen by the time I had settled there. n Mrs. W she was rly super nice, like she helped me bake n she took me shoppin n stuff, ya know like u think a mom would… Mr. W weren’t rly around, but she made it special… it was the first time I rly felt like I belonged somewhere.” She almost smiled at the memory, those few short months where she had been genuinely happy had been enough to carry through everything that came after. “Summer came round n their son came home from school for the break, he was so nice… at first. He wanted to hang out all the time n I thought, well I guess I figured that this was how family was, ya know? I was stupid…”
That word had been used to describe her many, many times. When she had reached out to her case worker, when she had confided in someone she trusted, they had called her stupid. She had a home, people who wanted her around… she needed to stop being a stupid little girl;
“I… I’m kinda ashamed to say that at first I didn’t rly say nothin, I mean… I hadn’t never had Attention like that n he was nice. Well, he wasn’t nice but compared to everythin else it seemed real nice, ya know? So maybe just a part of me told myself that it was okay… but then it wasn’t n when it wasn’t n I didn’t wanna…” she couldn’t bring herself to say anymore on it, so she skipped ahead instead. “I trusted him n he ended up just like the rest of em, bad girls gotta be taught a lesson n alla that.” Her body felt like it was sinking into the bed, verbalising as much as she had started to make her feel as though she was losing her grip, her hand tightened around his, somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew her nails were pressing against the back of his hand, but the contact was the only thing holding her in place.
“Anybody I ever trusted… ended up hurtin me.” That was the crux of it, truly.
Josh took a deep breath, his grip on her hand didn’t waver for a moment, even with her nails digging into his flesh, leaving small red marks where the pressure was applied. It was a lot to take in, and he couldn’t even imagine how much it took for Fallon to finally let this all out. The only solid thought he could cling to spilled out of his mouth almost entirely on instinct. They were simple words, but the only comfort he felt he could provide at a time like this.
“It’s about time that cycle came to an end, then.” He responded, with a small mournful smile.
He could relate in his own small way. He too, had spent a life being told he wasn’t good enough. ‘Troubled’ was the label he’d been stuck with. A simple term, implying that something inside him was fundamentally broken, and he’d spent the past eight years trying to prove that thesis of himself wrong. Fallon didn’t have a bad bone in her body, and Josh could only hope she saw that for herself now.
There was more she wanted to say, but she found herself exhausted. Saying the words aloud had alleviated her big fear, that a match with Josh would leave her feeling like he hurt her too, instead his presence as she unloaded a small part of her past confirmed one thing in her mind… he wasn’t like anyone else.
And she had a family now.
Fallon Lockhart sat on the edge of the bed in their California home; her feet didn’t quite reach the floor as her toes danced across the carpet. Their dogs, Lola and Nala, were curled up asleep at the far end of the bed and Fallon reached over to give them both a scratch behind their ears.
Her mind was racing, the announcement of a clearly NOT, fair and random draw; resulting in her facing Josh and Aries in the Cult Classic had cut through her like a knife. She had felt her entire body go cold. There were a million possible reasons for why this bothered her so much, but it would be almost impossible for anyone to guess the true reason behind it. As her fingers stroked through the soft hair of the dogs, she closed her eyes, drawing in a deep breath.
“Josh?” She called out, rather than go looking for him, she felt physically drained from the emotional weight that was lying down upon her, chest heavy and breaths shallow. Part of her knew that there was no good way to have this conversation, but she knew that they needed to have it all the same.
Josh Kennedy entered the bedroom softly, the stale smell of a recent cigarette lightly clinging to his clothing. He, too, was torn by the situation he’d found himself in, the last time he’d been forced into fighting a significant other in a match hadn’t ended well, and he still believed the ripples from that event had gone on to impact what had happened after. He’d very nearly lost the control he’d exerted on himself, the look of fear in Cass Baumer’s eyes after he’d cracked her with a kendo stick still haunted him. She’d seen what he usually reserved for the enemy, a violent hostility he didn’t want to let loose again. Not like that.
“Yeah, Titch?” He responded, warmly. He could practically feel the tension in the air surrounding Fallon from the very moment he’d stepped into the room. He knew in his gut what this was about, and they’d both avoided it for long enough.
“I can’t do it.” She lifted her head just enough to look into his eyes, the words seemed to take a physical weight with them, sagging back against the bed she almost fell into a lying down position on her back; her eyes still fixated up at him. She opened her mouth to add something else but couldn’t quite find the words.
They never spoke much about her past, but she knew today that was going to have to change. In order to explain why her whole body seized at the mere thought of being in the ring against him… she would have to reveal secrets and thoughts she buried down so deep, it’d take a shovel to dig them back up. “I’m sorry.”
Josh gave a slow, solemn nod.
“I get it, believe me, but I don’t think we got much of a choice.” He placed a hand on hers and squeezed gently, reassuringly.
“We gotta figure this out, I don’t think we can run from this no more.” His typical crooked smile was strained and artificial. Them being matched up had been an inevitability ever since they’d both qualified from the group stages of the Cult Classic, a clash he was powerless to prevent.
“I could drop out.” Even as she spoke the words she knew he would argue against it, her hand flipping over to grip his, an anchor to the present keeping her from being pulled too deep into the recesses of her mind. She wasn’t even sure where to start, all of the words were jumbled up in her head;
“Ur the only…” that wasn’t the right start and she fumbled over her words, drawing her eyes to the ceiling, almost not wanting to note the small changes in his facial expressions. “I mean. u know, when I was little… like real little, I was in that big group home but then as I got older, I got put out in foster care n all that stuff right? I mean, I ain’t rly told u much but I told u that much n how… it was always kinda hard to connect cause, like, u dun rly know when ur just gonna get shifted bout again…” she drew in another deep breath, her chest feeling tighter as the moment ticked by. She could feel tears stinging at the edge of her eyes but she wouldn’t let them be a deterrent.
“But u, well, I guess u still gotta trust the people who take u in… u know? Like these people are openin up their homes n then u can’t rly go in there with no trust or… I dunno they just, they tell u a lot to be receptive n agreeable n…” her thoughts began to scramble again, in her mind’s eyes the pictures she wanted to verbalise were vivid and clear, but the words themselves stuck to the roof of her mouth.
No sooner than Fallon’s suggestion to drop out had left her lips, Josh immediately responded with a vehement shake of his head.
“That ain’t happening. You’ve earned this, I ain’t about to let you throw that away.”
He listened intently as she recounted her story. He knew the broad strokes, but little more. Every small hitch of her breath felt like an illustration of the gap between them he’d never fully be able to bridge. Josh waited patiently for Fallon to continue once she trailed off, squeezing her hand softly again to try and nudge her forwards as gently as he could.
His presence and the squeeze of his hands brought that rush of comfort back to her, it was hard really, to describe the memories. It felt like she was walking through a dark tunnel buried under her very being and her hands were outstretched fingers barely grazing the things she hadn’t had the bravery to speak on before now.
“I was.. I guess eight or something the first time I got took out of the group home n into foster care. Like, u dun rly know anythin when ur eight do u? So when he would…” she screwed her eyes tightly shut, not the gentle flutter of eyes closing when you’re relaxed but more so immersing herself in the picture, trying to describe the feeling without touching too much on the action. “When I was bad or didn’t do what they said I was sposed to, I didn’t rly know that it weren’t okay for him to hurt me like that n then, I..” she paused again, turning her head to Josh’s direction but not opening her eyes, not quite feeling brave enough yet.
“I went back to the group home after that, I dipped in n out for a while n the more things happened, the more I… got hurt, the more I thought it was normal, ya know? Like; good parents punish bad kids n I just figured I was a real bad kid…” a heavy exhale left her body, instead of feeling lighter, her limbs felt like lead, sinking into the mattress as she slowly opened her eyes. “When I was like, idk, fourteen? That was when they decided I couldn’t settle at foster homes, I didn’t fit, I didn’t listen… I was too quiet n meek for anyone to wanna take me… so I went to this home for girls n it was kinda nice for a lil while. Nobody hurt me, i thought maybe I wasn’t so bad after all… I settled again n I started to be able to forget bout how bad a kid I was…”
Josh tried to keep his trembling under control as Fallon retold her story. He’d assumed that there’d been darkness in her past, he’d known pain like that having been inflicted upon her was a possibility. Yet hearing that vague suspicion confirmed by her made his stomach turn, his heart sink, and his blood boil in equal measure. Still, he sat there speechless, her hand clutched in his, loosening his grip slightly when he realised just how tightly he was clasping onto it. Thoughts rushed through his head so quickly they were practically ephemeral, there was no combination of words he could think of that could appropriately summarise his response.
The feel of his hand tightening around hers, followed by the relax of his grip brought her back into the present for a moment. Her eyes rested on his face, reading his expression as she took time to think over her next words. Once she had started, it felt almost too easy to let it keep spilling out; for as long as she could remember she had kept all of these secrets and now, the secrets wouldn’t stop spilling.
“That was when I went to my last home… I’d spent so long outta foster that I kinda forgot bout all the bad stuff. They were super nice, I was like, almost sixteen by the time I had settled there. n Mrs. W she was rly super nice, like she helped me bake n she took me shoppin n stuff, ya know like u think a mom would… Mr. W weren’t rly around, but she made it special… it was the first time I rly felt like I belonged somewhere.” She almost smiled at the memory, those few short months where she had been genuinely happy had been enough to carry through everything that came after. “Summer came round n their son came home from school for the break, he was so nice… at first. He wanted to hang out all the time n I thought, well I guess I figured that this was how family was, ya know? I was stupid…”
That word had been used to describe her many, many times. When she had reached out to her case worker, when she had confided in someone she trusted, they had called her stupid. She had a home, people who wanted her around… she needed to stop being a stupid little girl;
“I… I’m kinda ashamed to say that at first I didn’t rly say nothin, I mean… I hadn’t never had Attention like that n he was nice. Well, he wasn’t nice but compared to everythin else it seemed real nice, ya know? So maybe just a part of me told myself that it was okay… but then it wasn’t n when it wasn’t n I didn’t wanna…” she couldn’t bring herself to say anymore on it, so she skipped ahead instead. “I trusted him n he ended up just like the rest of em, bad girls gotta be taught a lesson n alla that.” Her body felt like it was sinking into the bed, verbalising as much as she had started to make her feel as though she was losing her grip, her hand tightened around his, somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew her nails were pressing against the back of his hand, but the contact was the only thing holding her in place.
“Anybody I ever trusted… ended up hurtin me.” That was the crux of it, truly.
Josh took a deep breath, his grip on her hand didn’t waver for a moment, even with her nails digging into his flesh, leaving small red marks where the pressure was applied. It was a lot to take in, and he couldn’t even imagine how much it took for Fallon to finally let this all out. The only solid thought he could cling to spilled out of his mouth almost entirely on instinct. They were simple words, but the only comfort he felt he could provide at a time like this.
“It’s about time that cycle came to an end, then.” He responded, with a small mournful smile.
He could relate in his own small way. He too, had spent a life being told he wasn’t good enough. ‘Troubled’ was the label he’d been stuck with. A simple term, implying that something inside him was fundamentally broken, and he’d spent the past eight years trying to prove that thesis of himself wrong. Fallon didn’t have a bad bone in her body, and Josh could only hope she saw that for herself now.
There was more she wanted to say, but she found herself exhausted. Saying the words aloud had alleviated her big fear, that a match with Josh would leave her feeling like he hurt her too, instead his presence as she unloaded a small part of her past confirmed one thing in her mind… he wasn’t like anyone else.
And she had a family now.