Post by Jack Dempsey on Jun 14, 2019 9:40:47 GMT -5
Commercialism
Static, white noise, the hiss followed by a view of a dark backdrop. Across the top and bottom there are VHS white tracking lines, shortly, they sort themselves out as Lyle Vitalis steps into view, right in the center of the screen.
Before he speaks, some soft positive infomercial music starts. The kind you imagine playing while someone introduces a brave new life changing product.
“Hi, I’m Lyle Vitalis. Lawyer of the one and only Jack Dempsey. You know Jack Dempsey, the man who will brave the Rite of Kings battle royale! He may be very popular soon, so why wait to jump on the band wagon?!” Lyle grins, “But how can I jump on the band wagon and annoyingly show people that I was the first to root for Jack Dempsey?! The answer is: Buy a bunch of random products which feature Jack’s face! Jack-Face your life!”
Cut to Lyle wearing a T-shirt featuring a shoulder to shoulder picture of Jack Dempsey. You can’t even see his ears, his cheekbones stretch all the way to either side of the chest.
Lyle smiles, “Now you can wear Jack Dempsey’s face on your upper torso! But wait, there’s more!”
Lyle pulls out a trucker hat that has the same image of Jack, only this time it’s cropped so all you see on the hat are his eyes and forehead, when Lyle puts the hat on his head, he looks down, revealing that Jack’s face travels the rest of the way down the bill.
“Here at Jack Dempsey retailers, we take the time to figure out the right items for Jack’s face to appear on.”
Cut to scientists in a lab with Lyle continuing a voice over, “We put the time and the effort in to make sure our items are the very best they can be. Yeah, they’re mass produced in China, so they probably contain mercury, lead, and other heavy metals, but who cares?! You get to wear Jack Dempsey!”
With that said, there is a massive explosion in the lab and the camera cuts back to Lyle in front of the dark backdrop. The music shifts gears to sad, sentimental music.
Lyle forms a light frown, “In honor of the scientists who perished while working to bring you more Jack-face, for every purchase of a Jack Dempsey trucker hat, or Jack Dempsey shirt, we will throw in a free BEACH TOWEL!”
Cue the happy informercial music again. This beach towel has Jack’s face on it, only this time, there’s no hair, just his eyes, nose, and mouth, the rest of it is skin colored and somewhat off putting.
“Imagine a day at the beach, you can sit on, lay on, or even dry your butt with Jack’s face! The sky is the limit! And speaking of sky…”
Lyle pulls out a kite, once again, you guessed it, with Jack’s face on it.
“The limited edition Jack Dempsey kite! This comes with a free key for you scientists out there who want to play with lightning! See! It’s patriotic too! Ben Franklin would give a thumbs up!”
Cut to Lyle dressed as Ben Franklin, with a bad bald wig, giving a thumbs up.
Cut back to Lyle. Now he’s sipping coffee out of a Jack-Face mug.
“Ah, it tastes better coming out of Jack’s face. Now, call the number below to find out how to order any one of these items and many more!”
1-900-JAK-FACE
“We couldn’t fit the C in there, but you get it. Order now!”
ORDER WHILE SUPPLIES LAST, PRODUCTS MAY BE DIFFERENT THAN EXPECTED BASED ON WHO WAS RUNNING THE PRESS AT THE TIME. WE EMPLOY DRUNKARDS AND THUS SOME OF THE PRODUCTS MAY BE BURNT, VOMITED ON, OR MASTURBATED INTO. ALL OF OUR PRODUCTS ARE A PRODUCT OF CHINA AND THE PRICE MAY RISE DUE TO THE CURRENT TRADE WAR. ORDER NOW WHILE YOU CAN STILL AFFORD TO HAVE JACK’S FACE ON YOUR BODY. SUPPLIES LIMITED, BUT MANY, LYLE VITALIS SPENT A LOT OF MONEY ON THIS, SO IT’S A BIT OF A GAMBLE. PLEASE BUY AND BAIL HIM OUT.
Cut.
Static, white noise, the hiss followed by a view of a dark backdrop. Across the top and bottom there are VHS white tracking lines, shortly, they sort themselves out as Lyle Vitalis steps into view, right in the center of the screen.
Before he speaks, some soft positive infomercial music starts. The kind you imagine playing while someone introduces a brave new life changing product.
“Hi, I’m Lyle Vitalis. Lawyer of the one and only Jack Dempsey. You know Jack Dempsey, the man who will brave the Rite of Kings battle royale! He may be very popular soon, so why wait to jump on the band wagon?!” Lyle grins, “But how can I jump on the band wagon and annoyingly show people that I was the first to root for Jack Dempsey?! The answer is: Buy a bunch of random products which feature Jack’s face! Jack-Face your life!”
Cut to Lyle wearing a T-shirt featuring a shoulder to shoulder picture of Jack Dempsey. You can’t even see his ears, his cheekbones stretch all the way to either side of the chest.
Lyle smiles, “Now you can wear Jack Dempsey’s face on your upper torso! But wait, there’s more!”
Lyle pulls out a trucker hat that has the same image of Jack, only this time it’s cropped so all you see on the hat are his eyes and forehead, when Lyle puts the hat on his head, he looks down, revealing that Jack’s face travels the rest of the way down the bill.
“Here at Jack Dempsey retailers, we take the time to figure out the right items for Jack’s face to appear on.”
Cut to scientists in a lab with Lyle continuing a voice over, “We put the time and the effort in to make sure our items are the very best they can be. Yeah, they’re mass produced in China, so they probably contain mercury, lead, and other heavy metals, but who cares?! You get to wear Jack Dempsey!”
With that said, there is a massive explosion in the lab and the camera cuts back to Lyle in front of the dark backdrop. The music shifts gears to sad, sentimental music.
Lyle forms a light frown, “In honor of the scientists who perished while working to bring you more Jack-face, for every purchase of a Jack Dempsey trucker hat, or Jack Dempsey shirt, we will throw in a free BEACH TOWEL!”
Cue the happy informercial music again. This beach towel has Jack’s face on it, only this time, there’s no hair, just his eyes, nose, and mouth, the rest of it is skin colored and somewhat off putting.
“Imagine a day at the beach, you can sit on, lay on, or even dry your butt with Jack’s face! The sky is the limit! And speaking of sky…”
Lyle pulls out a kite, once again, you guessed it, with Jack’s face on it.
“The limited edition Jack Dempsey kite! This comes with a free key for you scientists out there who want to play with lightning! See! It’s patriotic too! Ben Franklin would give a thumbs up!”
Cut to Lyle dressed as Ben Franklin, with a bad bald wig, giving a thumbs up.
Cut back to Lyle. Now he’s sipping coffee out of a Jack-Face mug.
“Ah, it tastes better coming out of Jack’s face. Now, call the number below to find out how to order any one of these items and many more!”
1-900-JAK-FACE
“We couldn’t fit the C in there, but you get it. Order now!”
ORDER WHILE SUPPLIES LAST, PRODUCTS MAY BE DIFFERENT THAN EXPECTED BASED ON WHO WAS RUNNING THE PRESS AT THE TIME. WE EMPLOY DRUNKARDS AND THUS SOME OF THE PRODUCTS MAY BE BURNT, VOMITED ON, OR MASTURBATED INTO. ALL OF OUR PRODUCTS ARE A PRODUCT OF CHINA AND THE PRICE MAY RISE DUE TO THE CURRENT TRADE WAR. ORDER NOW WHILE YOU CAN STILL AFFORD TO HAVE JACK’S FACE ON YOUR BODY. SUPPLIES LIMITED, BUT MANY, LYLE VITALIS SPENT A LOT OF MONEY ON THIS, SO IT’S A BIT OF A GAMBLE. PLEASE BUY AND BAIL HIM OUT.
Cut.