Post by Deleted on Aug 30, 2019 0:17:10 GMT -5
IV
John felt hesitant when it came to going back into that office. Wasn’t that he didn’t like Doctor Moriarty but it was a sense of dread, wondering what else was wrong with him. There could be all the reassurance in the world about how there wasn’t anything wrong with him but that didn’t stop him from now second guessing everything said to him. The exception was Mike. They always treated him like he was … normal? Being aware that he possibly wasn’t constantly flooded his mind.
He felt impatient, fidgeting with the band of his watch, as the doctor and him exchanged what constituted as small talk.
She disclosed that she had been speaking to Mike recently. But John had nothing to hide about this. He had still been angry. For most of his life, it had been at anyone who had chosen to clearly patronize him. But now, it turned inwards, how could they not, he concluded. It was a vicious cycle that pushed him deeper and deeper into a shell. Ashamed that someone like him could exist. It betrayed his efforts to try to reconcile, to accept, and to move on. An impossible notion considering that there was no changing this.
He relayed that more or less to the doctor and she smiled, “What you’re experiencing isn’t out of bounds, John.”
That was a relief.
Actually, no it wasn’t.
“Doesn’t make it any better.”
She just nodded.
“Makes me kind of regret finding out.”
“It was a shock to the system. But as I’ve been telling you, I am not treating you for this. There is no cure for this. This isn’t an illness that will go away. Now the symptoms … that’s why we are here.”
The seconds weren’t going any faster as the questions continued. He continually looked at his watch, answering the doctor in clipped yes or no answers. And yet, Moriarty took it in stride, writing away on her notepad.
“How’s your sex life, John?”
John looked up at her, “I don’t know. I don’t really think about it.”
“Are Mike and you sexually active?”
“Kind of. Like I said, I really don’t think about it.”
She scribbled down a few more notes before looking up again.
“Do you enjoy it?”
John found that question to be preposterous, “That’s usually the body’s response in that sort of situation.”
“Of course. But while physical enjoyment in most situations of that sort is typical, I was more wondering if the rest of you does.”
“No.”
“So I would be correct in assuming that Mike initiates any sexual activity between you, then?”
“Yes.”
“Would you prefer that they didn’t?”
John shook his head. That wasn’t it, “I like being with Mike.”
“I see,” Moriarty jotted down a few more notes. “Would it be wrong for me to say, then, that you enjoy being with Mike in a way you wouldn’t with anyone else?”
“No.”
“They’re very special to you, aren’t they?”
The doctor had been over this their first meeting but the question had more purpose than fishing for general information. But the answer was much the same, “Mike’s my partner.”
“We’ve defined what Mike is to you. We’ve spoken on that before, and as you very rightly pointed out last time we spoke, this is about you first and foremost. You’ve told me who Mike is, but what I would like to know, if it’s alright with you, is… how do they make you feel?”
She leaned forward just slightly. Her expression was attentive and patient as ever, but that slight gesture lent a certain sense of importance to the inquiry.
“...safe?”
Moriarty smiled. “That’s good. It’s important to have someone like that. Who you can trust implicitly and know that you won’t be hurt. Is there anything else besides that?”
By this time, John feeling pressed, was noticeably twisting the band of the gold watch around his wrist, “Sure. We’re a team.”
The fidget did not escape Moriarty’s notice now any more than it had on any of their previous sessions- in her professional observation, it seemed to be a self-soothing response towards agitation. They made a little nod toward it.
“That’s a beautiful watch, John.”
“Was a gift.”
“May I have a look at it, please?”
She held her hand out. Not overly obtrusively. Halfway, easily pulled back at a ‘no’ or moved forward at a ‘yes’. There was a clear hesitation from John. He normally didn’t value items. He liked his books, sure. But they could easily be replaced. And maybe this could, too. But almost uncharacteristically, John was protective of the watch. When he wasn’t wearing it, it was almost obsessively or perhaps better described as routine to lock it away in a wooden box. But at face value, it was just an expensive gold watch. John really never retained what it was, just what he … felt about it. His finger touched the clasp tentatively. He breathed in deep, and flipped it open.
Slipped it off his wrist.
Set it on the coffee table between them.
She gently picked it up. It was slightly heavy, a lovely thing indeed, impeccably made. Very high quality in both materials and craftsmanship. The works ticked away with perfect precision. The iconic crown-shaped maker’s mark was in its place at the twelve-o-clock position, as well as in relief on the winding knob- similar, actually, to the markings on the fine rose-gold watch on her own wrist.
She noted the laser-cut engraving on the otherwise smooth backplate with a smile, but didn’t comment on it as she handed it back with the same care with which she picked it up.
“Thank you for letting me see it. I can tell it’s very important to you.”
They held out their opposite hand, palm down this time.
“My husband got me this one on our last wedding anniversary. It’s very important to me as well- not just that it’s valuable. It is. But it’s who gave it to me, the sentiment behind it, that makes it priceless. Is it the same with yours?”
John listened as he secured the watch back on his person, “Yes.”
“The person who gave you that watch must love you very much.”
John, now aware that he’d sort of given himself away, actively fought his hand from going back to where it normally would in a situation like this. A situation where he felt exposed, “They’ve said as much.”
“Can you say the same?”
Her tone wasn’t confrontational- far from it. Earnest curiosity, and perhaps a gentle nudge.
“I would think that it was obvious.”
“It might be,” she nodded in the affirmative, “but remember, sometimes things that may seem plain as day don’t get across to all people all the time.”
John had been thinking about that during the entire drive thus far. The session ended soon after. Moriarty flickered back and forth and through the relevant pieces of his life with ease. Knew when to seemingly probe and when to withdraw. Even when John dodged, sometimes it felt like he actually answered the question based on her reaction.
It had worked … if that was her intention because for the first time in weeks, his thoughts escaped about who he was and instead, who Mike was to him. It was their turn to drive and they were probably halfway there. He observed the passing scenery. 102.9 FM known locally as WBUZ in Nashville was just starting to fade out as they were an hour out of the Music City now. It was just above audible anyhow.
“Mike?”
“Hm?”
The redhead glanced at him briefly with a smile, not taking their eyes off the road for too long. He … disliked when Mike did that and they knew it.
“...just was thinking. I’ll figure it out.”
“Fair enough, bud.”
They fiddled with the radio knob, frowning and swearing occasionally till they found something that was, in their opinion, worth listening to.